About Face – Part 2:
Facing God
A similar (but also different) dynamic is true with our relationship with God. Just like Adam and Eve after their sin, when we do things that we know in our heart are wrong, we have a hard time facing God.
What keeps us from facing God is the same fear that keeps us from really facing ourselves — we like to keep our shame hidden because it's too painful to admit. But if we're going to heal from the mistakes of our past, we must be able to articulate them. The most immediate sensation of facing God is that we know ourselves more. When we are willing to become vulnerable before our own self-scrutiny — to try and see ourselves for what we really are, and how we really treat ourselves and others — we can also begin to open up to God and truly confess.
Just reading the litany of sins does little in terms of personal inspiration, at least so it seems to me. Better to go slow. Or find a mantra of confession to repeat many times over, until the mind begins to tune into it and discover something about why you do what you do.
We know ourselves in the context of one who feels themselves blessed (and loved) by God. Think of what that does for "self-esteem." And then think about what trust in God does for anxiety. Now, if God does not in reality exist, then to trust Him is a convenient delusion. But if He does exist, then it is the only sensible choice.
Let’s see how to understand the basic words of the viduy mentioned in Halacha 1 to use the tool of viduy for teshuva.
"Please God"If you really believe in God, then you should know that you really are talking about your life here. Start with "please." It is the magic word, after all.
"I have erred"Yes, you have. That’s the beginning.
I believe the word teshuva means returning from hiding — and facing God.
When we face someone we love, we feel a sense of ourselves in return. We sense ourselves as known (and loved) by them. If we feel we have wronged them, we can have a hard time looking them in the face. That sense of shame is good, in that it pinpoints for us in what way we feel we've wronged God. Remember, this is God who loves you. Do you feel loved by God? Do you feel His "face" shining upon you? We must begin with the most reasonable premise — that He is "ready" to love us. In which case, if we don't feel loved by God, that's a problem in us, not God.
We must return to the state of the babe in its mother's arms, knowing we are held — in every moment — by God. This is what it means to trust the Almighty. To know that in truth He never leaves us. Ever.
"And perverted"When we fear to face God, we justify and deny and anesthetize ourselves away from the pain — choosing from a myriad of available distractions — and allow ourselves to go "comfortably numb." When we allow ourselves to spiritually fall asleep, we end up perverting our sense of truth to fit what our body or ego finds convenient. We forget who we are, and therefore what our real responsibilities are.
"And been negligent"The Hebrew word pashati implies that what happened was a result of our personal negligence. Because we stopped caring enough to pay attention to what we already knew was right — because it was easier to stop caring and let ourselves go.
"Before You"Although at the time I pretended that You (as if) did not exist — I feel deeply now how insane that is.
"I did this and that..."Let yourself think over and over about the act or acts in question. Not to get excited again — but even if so, then to ask: why? Why do I choose this insanity? Do I really want this insanity in my life?
And if you find yourself saying, I just can't, I'm just not ready... I can't give it up, whatever it is — then at least make an accounting. List it before God. Tell Him openly and honestly about every time you can remember, and try to get into the kishkes of it if you can. Why do you choose that insanity? What are you still holding back on?
Because in the end, as the Maharal teaches (Nesiv HaTeshuva 5), the point of viduy is to surrender ourselves to God. To turn and face Him even knowing that we cannot hope to justify, to explain away, to hold back some of our previous self... To allow ourselves to stand naked from assumptions of our inherent righteousness and allow our existence to be held solely by His grace. To throw ourselves at the mercy of His love for His creation and His people.
To say: I am broken, it is true... but please God, now that I know this, with Your mercy I may still live to repair myself and Your world.